Because I have this crazy idea...

When people ask me "Why a documentary?", I explain it's because I have this crazy idea that my purpose is bigger than me.

I love helping others reach their goals and if sharing my story can inspire and motivate just one person then this whole project will have been worth it.

Going through this process has been tedious, emotional, and editing video is an extremely daunting task. I love it though. I'm growing and learning more about myself.

We still have one more interview to complete and then we can proceed to final assembly. Once complete, the documentary will be submitted to multiple distributors in hopes of it being picked up by at least one. Who knows where it will actually end up but I have big dreams of it being available to the world on various Video On Demand platforms.

It's been a lot of baby steps to get to where I am at this point in my journey and I am pretty proud of how far I have come in the last five years. Some people think that's conceited. I like to think it's inspiring.

I hope you enjoy the updated preview clips below.

Preview 1


Preview 2


Preview 3

Lights! Camera! Action!

Back in January, I had an epiphany about what my purpose for being created was, which I feel is to inspire and motivate others. Since then, I've been working on a documentary entitled, "If Only She Were Thinner", which I am producing with assistance from my friends at Scope Creative Agency.

My story is based on more than just my weight loss journey. I had no self-esteem because of the lifelong struggle I have had with my weight and I put myself into some very dark situations because I didn't think I could do any better.

If you've followed my blog for any length of time, the film is essentially my blog in motion, but you'll get to meet the characters and feel the impact of what I've gone through.

It is my hope that by sharing my story of perseverance, determination and the fact that I have fallen in love with who I have become as a person I will inspire others to open the door to escape their dark places, move forward, and achieve their goals as well.

The film is still in production as it is a tedious process but I wanted to give y'all a very (very, very) small little snippet of what to expect.


My story will not end when my documentary is complete. I didn't come this far only to come this far. I still have goals to achieve, and there really is no finish line for me. It will be a continuous journey for the rest of my life, and I will always look for ways to push my limits.

Most people don't understand my love affair with the gym. They don't understand that the gym is my place to escape. My place to heal. My place to not only become physically strong but to become mentally strong as well.

My weight loss adventure has been a long road, but there is no way I would be where I am at without the constant support of those who motivate me.

Who push me.

Who believe in me.

Who generate a spark that sets my veins on fire.

When you find those people, you do not let them go.

Embrace their energy.

Ignore the noise of the negative people in your life.

Stop making excuses.

Never give up.

Let's go!

A New Level of Motivation

I was able to work with the most amazing personal trainer while I was working in California this week. I’ve worked with a few trainers in the past, including a few in my home gym, but Eugene is not just a personal trainer - he is also a Command Fitness Leader for the Navy Seabees.

I’ve worked out with trainers that treat you like a number and just move you from machine to machine and occasionally tell you that you are doing a good job. They don’t take the time to explain what muscle groups you are working on, what the exercise is doing for your body, or how to take the exercise to a different level by adding an additional move. I wanted someone who would challenge me.

I contacted Eugene a month prior to my trip and explained that I was basically looking to get my ass kicked for a week while I was in town and that I wanted to be able to take a new program home that I could work on in between my trips.

From the second we met at the gym, I knew I made the right decision because I had that same magnetic connection with him that I had when I first crossed the threshold to my own gym back in October. I knew I was about to have an epic week.

Eugene asked me what equipment I had in my Anytime Fitness gym because he wanted to make sure I could perform the same exercises when I returned.

As we were walking through the gym, I told him that most of my strength was in my thighs (Pete and Repeat can carry their weight) and that my upper body was pretty weak so we dove right in and started working on my arms, back, shoulders, and chest.

He walked me over to the cables and, to my surprise, I didn’t leave that spot for the entire hour. I was able to do all six exercises on the same cable using different configurations.

My first workout consisted of super setting: Standing Isolated High Row and Standing Isolated Cable Press; Standing Level Cable Row and Isolated Cable Curl & Press; and finally Forward Shoulder Cable Raise and Kneeling Lat Pull Down.

I did three sets of each (15-20 reps for most) and at the end I did one more of each all over again for good luck (and to show him that I remembered how to set each one up by myself).

Because I had told him my upper body was weak, he started me off with a very low weight. He could see that I was easily doing most of the exercises so he kept adding weight…and adding more weight. After our session was over, he told me I lied and that I was a lot stronger than I had admitted.

Apparently, pulling is my thing because I was able to pull 72.5 pounds on my standing level cable row. May not seem like a lot to some of you body builders but he seemed pretty impressed with that number.

We worked on my core on Day 2. I explained that I hadn’t worked on just my core in more than three years and I asked him to go easy on me. He just smiled that grin that people give you when you are in for a surprise.

For a millisecond, I thought about faking a cramp and running when he said the word “plank”.  Just kidding. I was actually looking forward to the challenge.

The only planks I had done in the past were just the good old standard plank on my forearms and toes. Well, Eugene wanted to challenge me so he had me doing suspended planks. As he was getting my feet strapped in, I couldn’t help but make the wisecrack, “our second session and you already have me in straps”. HA!!

Again, I was super setting my exercises. I did TRX planks on my forearms and then hands (push up). Then I did Lay to Sit sit-ups and Ankle Hold Leg Lifts (he stood above my head while I was on my back and I held onto his ankles as I raised my legs to touch his hands). Those were followed up with what we decided to call Fold-ins (basically a combo lay to sit sit-up with a leg lift…very hard to do) and Bosu Ball Sit-ups. The last set was more forearm and push up planking but this time with the Bosu Ball.

Day 3 was the dreaded leg day. I had the videographer out with us to film scenes for my upcoming documentary. Eugene wasn’t sure if the gym would allow the camera in so we utilized the park.

My normal leg day consisted of nothing but weights so I was curious what he was going to do. I kept asking him and all he would do was flash that “you’ll find out” grin.

I thought maybe he was secretly plotting to kill me because leg day consisted of: TRX Jump Squats, Bosu Balance Squats, Bosu Foot Transfer Side Squats, Wide Kettle Bell Squats, Single Leg Step Ups, and Hill Sprints.

Yes, folks…not one, not two, not three, but FOUR types of squats annnnd…I had to do all of that while being filmed. WHAT THE FRENCH TOAST WAS I THINKING?

The footage of me on the Bosu ball is hilarious. I’m determined to master that damn thing. I still had a smile on my face when we finished and it wasn’t because the camera was rolling.

We decided to take our final workout on Day 4 outdoors again so we went back to the park. Despite the wind that kept my hair going crazy and tossed dirt in our eyes – it was a beautiful day for battle. And I mean that literally. I did Battle Ropes Doubles, Battle Ropes Alternating Singles, Slam Ball, TRX Pull-Ups, Dumbell Curl & Press and then I got to put on the gloves and throw some Combo Punches. I’m sure he is still laughing at my lack of coordination because I know I am. I am super happy that I didn’t have the camera rolling that day. Hee hee!

Now, I’m sure y’all are wondering why I didn’t do this in my own gym. Well…when you workout in a gym where everyone feels like family, you tend to get too close and reaching out for help gets a little tougher because you don’t want to bother them when you know they are so busy. At least, that is how I have grown to feel. Must be that Superwoman thing again...

I needed some outside motivation from someone who could see the fire in my eyes and push me harder than I believed I could be pushed.

Someone who could see my potential even though I couldn’t see it myself.

Someone who could match a program to my goals.

Someone who would show me, step-by-step, what I need to do and why I need to do it in a certain way to avoid injury.

Someone who wouldn’t look at their phone during a conversation or tell me to hang on while reading/replying to a text.

Someone who would take their time to really listen and then thoroughly explain things in a language that I could understand.

Someone who would train me like an athlete and not a body builder.

Someone who would stand next to me, behind me, or in front of me and tell me to dig deep, push, and keep going.

Someone to tell me, “you got this”.

Someone to give me a whole new level of motivation.

I definitely found that in Eugene and I cannot wait to go back and work with him again. Because when you find that in a trainer, you do not let them go!

I got this!

Excuses & Results Don't Mix

I often get caught up in conversations with people (friends, family, gym members, complete strangers) about dieting, weight loss, and exercise.

Most people have a specific goal they are trying to lose weight for. An upcoming wedding, a beach vacation, or a class reunion. And then there are those of us that got tired of being overweight and wanted to make a life altering change for the better. Regardless of the reason - we all have the incredible ability to make excuses.

All too often, I hear excuse after excuse for why people aren't losing weight or reaching their goals. I am not pointing my fingers at anyone without pointing three back at myself because I am just as guilty for using some of the excuses listed. It would be way to easy for me to tell you to "suck it up, buttercup" and get over it but I'll try and walk you through each excuse below:

• It's SOO hard - Yes, it is. Plain and simple. Anything worth achieving doesn't come easy. Over time, you will notice that things get easier but in reality, you are just getting stronger. What keeps me going on the "hard" days? The smile on my face when I know I can say, "I did it...and I didn't die!"
• I don't have time - I call bull$hit on this one. If you have time to scroll through social media playing games, watch funny cat videos, or watch more than two episodes of anything on Netflix, you have time to workout. For me, it is easiest if I go to the gym right after work. For others, it's before work. I have access to my gym 24 hours a day and I've been there at midnight so "not having time" is not an excuse I can use. MAKE THE TIME. Put it on your calendar. Schedule a meeting with yourself. If you can't go for a full hour at a time, go 30 minutes in the morning and go 30 minutes in the evening. 
• I'm too tired - Trust me...I'm tired too. However - that passes after the first 20 minutes of a workout and I feel 10x better and more mentally energized than when I first walked in.
• I'm too old - I workout with people in their 80's so I'm not buying this one at all.
• I don't want to exercise by myself - I get the whole, "I need a workout buddy" thing because I liked to have someone with me in the beginning too. I have friends that I go to the gym with but when I'm there, I am there for ME. It is my time to work on myself, not socialize. Use the time to clear your mind.
• I'm not seeing any results - Do not use the number on the scale to measure your results. Use your jeans. AND for the love of all things...stop predicting failure. Read my patience, persistence, and accountability post. It takes time people. Four weeks for you to notice, eight for your friends, and twelve for everyone else. 
• I have a headache - Unless it's a Migraine, take an aspirin, ibuprofen, or acetaminophen and suck it up. What I find ironic about this one is I had a headache as I started my workout last night. I managed to climb 243 flights of stairs and row 4,000 meters before it turned into a Migraine, which was when I decided that I needed to go home. However, I still got an hour in WITH a headache.
• I'm in a bad mood - There is no better place to take your frustrations out than in the gym. Beat the crap out of a punching bag. Put anger into your workout and you will be in a MUCH better mood when you are done.
• Eating healthy is expensive - In my best Maury Povich voice, "THAT, is a lie!". I used to use this excuse all the time. Once you have started eating healthy and your body has detoxed from  refined sugars, you won't have cravings for junk food and you won't have to eat as much to feel full. In the end, you are buying less. Yes, you may have to shop more often because you are buying fresher foods that may spoil faster than foods that don't come out of a box but your body is worth the extra trip to the store. Do what I do...hit the grocery store on your way home from a workout. You are more than likely to make healthier choices when you are drenched in your own sweat.
• I have a family to cook for - So either make your family eat healthy too or do what I did and make a separate meal for yourself. I meal prepped for myself every Sunday so I had no excuse for not having my own meals ready to go during the week.
• I don't like to sweat - Sweat is your fat crying as it leaves your body. Wear black when you workout and pretend you are at a funeral for your fat. And if you still look cute at the end of your workout...you didn't work hard enough. I am a hot mess after a workout as I do not sweat pretty but ask me if I care (I don't).
• I feel like people are judging me at the gym - Most people at the gym are working toward their own goals and have likely been in your shoes before. A few days ago, I was talking to a guy at the gym about how the gym is my happy place and it's where I do most of my thinking (and my worst overthinking) and he was surprised by that. When I asked why, he said "I don't think about anything when I workout. I'm just there, doing my thing." (I wish I had that trait.) You'll be surprised how many people there will motivate and encourage you to keep coming back. 
• Gym memberships are expensive - What value would you put on your life? Mine is far greater than the $35 a month I spend on my membership.
• I can't lift weights - So don't. Start off with Cardio. As your body gets stronger, you will be able to lift weights. Biceps don't grow on trees so if you want them, you will eventually have to.
• I can't run - So walk. Or climb stairs. Or row. Or ride the stationary bike. When you are able to run...run like you stole something.
• I can't...- YOU CAN! 

You want it?

Then, go get it!

Because excuses and results don't mix!

It's not over, until I win!

I watched this video several days ago it struck a chord deep within me. The powerfully evocative words invaded every thought I had for the past week.

Various, and sometimes random, thoughts were running through my head a million miles an hour.

I began questioning myself and what my true purpose in life is.

I started a list of my accomplishments in my head and because I'm a woman, I over analyzed it. Over thought it. Lost sleep over it.

I am a STRONG woman and it was aggravating me that I was suddenly feeling so weak. Not broken. Just weak. And I have no room in my life for weakness.

On any given day, I'm the type of person that will rise up every morning despite the pain. I rise up unafraid of what the day may bring because I know that I will always outshine the darkness. If I fall seven times, I will always stand up eight. Always!

Yes...

• I have raised an amazing son who grew into the most honorable and respectable man.
• I have a successful career with an amazing company.

But, I don't just want to raise a family, work, and then die! I feel like my life has a bigger purpose.

Since high school, I have been a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Everything!

We are placed where we are supposed to be and people are positioned in our lives for a purpose. Whether it's temporarily or for a lifetime.

No matter the situation I was placed, or the people involved, every move that has been made throughout the course of my life has helped guide me to where I am supposed to be. However - I have come to realize that I have yet to fully become the person I was created to be.

I began to explore what it is that makes me truly happy.

I am already an accomplished graphic artist, photographer, cook, baker, crafter, and writer.

Does that mean I am supposed to open a restaurant where I write, design, and hand make my own menu that features photographs I have taken of the dishes I created?

HA! As much as I love doing all of those things for others...none of them are the reason I was born (although, some may think otherwise).

In the midst of all this soul searching, I was contacted by a local writer who was authoring an article on how people stay motivated in keeping their new year's resolution of getting fit/healthy. She had phoned my gym and the owner gave her my name and number because he felt my story would be fitting [insert look of shock on my face here].

I agreed to meet her the following day and during my short 30-minute interview with her, she asked me some very pointed questions that started with my back story. I gave her the Cliff Notes version of my weight loss journey and challenges.

She asked what kept me motivated. If my social life had suffered or if I had lost friendships/relationships because of my dedication. I answered each question with ease. She asked me what advice I would give to "a person of size" who had made a new year's resolution to get fit and wanted to stay motivated. Her eyes lit up as I spoke.

At the end of the interview, she said my story will make a great addition to her piece and she asked me to email her a photograph of myself so she could include it with the article.

After my interview concluded (which took place at the gym of all places), I jumped into my daily workout.

As I rowed, I was reviewing her questions and my responses in my head. I think I was about 7,000 meters into my daily 12,000-meter row when I had an epiphany. My eyes were wide open, my heart became full, and a smile came across my face.

I was born to inspire others. That is my purpose. That is what I was created and designed for.

Then the questions began in my head. Do I finish my book? Draft a screenplay based on my story? Start a support group for the motivationally challenged? Open a gym? Become a public speaker (which would require me to get over my fear of speaking in public)?

I haven't quite determined just exactly what I am supposed to do with my purpose yet but I do know one thing - all roads have led me to Texas for a reason.

Whether it's to simply learn that lesson or to take action and begin a new life with a new dream, I am energized.

My blood is pumping with motivation and my mind is determined to put a plan in motion so I can carry out my purpose - and I will not quit, until I win!

I got this!

Do it for the, "OMG, you look amazing!"

Since my last post, I have been asked several times if I started back at the gym to lose weight for my husband or if I started back for myself. I know I was asked because my friends and family want to make sure I am losing it for the right reasons.

The honest truth is, and I can't believe I am putting this out into the atmosphere, my motivation began the morning I discovered my underwear had become too tight. I had a breakdown right there in my closet. As soon as I received clearance from all of my doctors to begin working out again, I leapt at the chance to join a gym.

I have had a home gym since moving to Texas, which included an elliptical, Total Gym, and an upright stationary bike. As much as I'd like to say I was dedicated to using it, I can't.

I knew I needed to get out of my house if I wanted to make a difference. It becomes to easy to make excuses when you workout at home, including the old, "I'll just sit down for five minutes and then workout" excuse. That five minutes turns into an hour and by that time all motivation has been lost and you tell yourself, "I'll do it tomorrow."

That was no longer going to be me.

I looked into several gyms that were located between my office and house. There are at least 10 and nearly all are well-known names. The only criteria I knew I wanted was the location and hours of operation. It had to be close to home and because I can have a hectic travel schedule it had to be open pretty much any time I wanted to go.

There was nothing special that drew my attention to Anytime Fitness when I picked up the phone to inquire on their membership fees. It met my criteria because the facility is just four miles from my house and all members have 24/7 access. At the time, it was just another gym.

It wasn't until I walked through the front doors for a tour of the facility that I knew it was where I belonged. Words cannot explain how magnetically I was pulled in but I immediately felt at home. In a very strange way, it was calming. It didn't take any convincing on the owners' part to make me commit. The fact that they have a Concept 2 rowing machine was just an added bonus.

I signed up on Wednesday, October 7 and I was in the gym for my first workout on Thursday, October 8.

Since that first day in October, I have never felt like I was in competition with anyone while working out at the gym. I feel like I fit in. Everyone there is working toward a goal of their own and no one is there to simply bounce their half-naked body around. You know the type.

Another reason I love this gym is the owner genuinely cares about the experience his members have in his gym. You can tell by witnessing the interaction he has with everyone. From high school students to senior citizens, everyone is treated with the same respect.

I've been a member of other big name gyms, but whenever I walked through their doors all they saw were dollar signs. They could care less what I actually wanted to achieve and they just wanted my monthly membership fee. The fact that the owner of my gym actually takes the time to listen to what the members wish to achieve with their fitness goals and then takes action to help set them up for success really sets his gym apart from any other.

Raving about gyms or fitness centers hasn't ever been high on my list but I had to take a few minutes to brag about mine. Why? Because I love them!! Annnd because they have taken their own time to brag about me.

We think our member, Dawn Wagner, is even more awesome than today! We sure appreciate her incredible creativity in making this super cool graphic of our cardio area!!
Posted by Anytime Fitness - Katy, TX on Thursday, January 7, 2016

ALL of our members at AF Katy are incredible. And one of them is this lady. Her name is Dawn. You've heard about people...
Posted by Anytime Fitness - Katy, TX on Friday, December 18, 2015

My home gym has since been dismantled. Being in the gym has become one of only a handful of my happy places. I look forward to working out every day. I am there when I'm sick. I'm there when I'm tired. I'm there when I travel. I was even there on New Year's Eve where I rowed 20,018 meters into the new year at midnight.

I may be using the words my husband spoke to me as fuel to my fire to reach my goal, but I am doing this for myself. The size of my ass just happened to be the initial source of motivation.

Since I've been on this new journey, I have been enjoying the results. So far, I have lost enough weight that others are starting to take notice.

And...who doesn't love an, "OMG, you look amazing" compliment?

Do it for the compliments. Do it for smaller underwear. Do it for yourself.

I got this! You got this!

p.s. - If you are looking for an amazing gym to join, check out Anytime Fitness. They are everywhere. As a member, you get 24/7 access to all of their gyms. This makes it easy for me when I travel. Their monthly membership fee is by far the most affordable for what I receive in return.

I May Bend But I Will Not Break

It amazes me how words can leave such a lasting impression on a person and the emotions they can evoke when we least expect it.

Good or bad.

Today, I was reminded of how one can be haunted by their past with a quick lash of the tongue. I won't reveal what was said or who said it, but the words were strong enough to transport me instantly back in time to the first moment I heard those five little words.

I felt like everything I have accomplished and have overcome in the past few years was nothing.

I felt shamed.

I felt ugly.

I felt like I was standing in that hallway all over again...listening to that boy I liked telling my friend "if only she were thinner." 

I was weakened.

And for a few hours, I couldn't help but feel a little defeated...

...a little devastated...

...a little sorry for myself.

The words were getting louder. "IF ONLY SHE WERE THINNER."

I got in my car and cried, uncontrollably, for several minutes.

The kind of crying where your eyes are swollen and bloodshot and you can't breathe because your nose is full of snot, and then you start to choke on that snot because it's dripping down the back of your throat.

I am not a pretty crier.

I pulled myself together enough to visit an encouraging friend. It was either that or shop. Not gonna lie...shopping almost trumped my friend but since it was Black Friday, I didn't want to face the crowds with all my snottiness.

After listening to what I'm sure sounded like the teacher from the Peanuts, my friend quietly reminded me that I am a strong woman and that all of my emotions will soon be in the past...(and that I should go home, not shop, and not drink).

Other words of wisdom were shared, and those five little words that had been haunting me for the past few hours were quickly replaced with five new ones, "You are a strong woman".

Yes. Yes, I am.

After a quick 15-minute pep talk, I was able to lift my head and wipe my tears away. 

I might have even managed a smile before I left.

On my drive home, those new words were pumping through my veins and my internal iPod started to play Helen Reddy's "I am Woman" in my head (thanks for owning that record when I was little Mom). My favorite verse from that 1975 song is:

You can bend but never break me

'Cause it only serves to make me

More determined to achieve my final goal

And I come back even stronger

Not a novice any longer

'Cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul

I may bend, but I will not break.

I will use those words as fuel to my fire to achieve my goal.

I will be stronger.

I may have allowed myself to be temporarily weakened today, but I will not allow myself to be permanently defeated tomorrow. 

Let us all remember that we are masters of unspoken words but we are slaves to the ones we let slip out! 

No Diggity - No Doubt!

I think most people can relate to the frustrations of having a stall when it comes to the scale. Those "stalls" usually lead to people feeling like a failure and they give up.

My diet and exercise regime brought a weight loss of just under 20 pounds in the first three weeks. Woo Hoo!

However, this past week has brought a big fat Z.E.R.O.

Now, my diet has been on point and between my basal metabolic rate (BMR) and daily workouts, I know for a fact that I am burning more calories than I am taking in. It's at this point that most people start scoffing at their scale while yelling (screaming) "What the French...toast?"

Had I not already been in this situation previously, I would have been yelling profanities that would have put any sailor to shame. But, because I have been in this position before, I had to remember everything I had faced in the past and the reasons behind the dreaded "stall".

If my words can help anyone - pay attention because the following information is what gets me through my scale stalls.

First and foremost, a little BMR 101! To lose weight by diet alone, you want to eat less than your BMR (also known as your resting metabolic rate). Your BMR is the amount of energy needed to support the body's most basic functions when at rest in a neutral, or non-stressful, environment (a.k.a. the number of calories you need per day to stay alive). BMR can be responsible for 70% of the calories burned per day (just sitting there...doing nothing).

To calculate your BMR, click HERE.

Once you know the number of calories needed to maintain your weight, you can easily calculate the number of calories you need to eat in order to lose (or gain) weight.

One important tip to remember about BMR is that as you lose weight (increase activity, etc.), your BMR rate changes so it is extremely important to measure it often.

Next - 1 pound of fat equals 3,500 calories. Simply put - if you want to lose 1 pound a week (through diet alone), you need to reduce your caloric intake by 500 calories per day. It's that simple.

However - I am doing more than just dieting. In addition to my caloric reduction, I workout 7 (yes, seven) days a week. I climb between 94-102 flights of stairs and then I row for an hour, averaging 12,000 meters...every day.

Because I row on a resistance rowing machine, and am climbing the stairmaster, I am working the shiznit out of my thigh muscles. Side note (because that's what A.D.D. is for) - Most people think rowing works your arms but in reality, rowing is 70% legs, 20% abdominal, and 10% arms. Even as I type this, my thighs are on fire.

So why isn't the scale moving? This is where body composition gets a little complicated.

Since my body hasn't been trained in two years, it is hyper-responsive to resistance training right now. So much that I am actually building muscle while losing fat at the same time. Pound for pound.

I know this "honeymoon phase" will not last forever so I have to take advantage of this time while I have it. The more muscle I build, the faster my body will burn calories.

FACT: Muscles burn 5.5 times more calories than fat tissues.

Hello! It's a no brainer that we want more muscle than fat.

I have heard time and time again that muscle weighs more than fat. Truth be told...a pound weighs a pound regardless of what it is. Muscle just happens to be more dense than fat so it takes up much less space than "fluffy" fat. (reminds me of..."I'm not fat, I'm fluffy." Who else loves Gabriel Iglesias?)

This is why I can see a difference in how my clothes fit but why my scale isn't "moving". I'm losing fat but because I am gaining muscle, they are basically swapping places keeping my weight the same.

How do I know this? I have a body composition scale that in addition to telling me how much I weigh, it measures my muscle mass, body fat and water percentages, and provides me a daily caloric intake.

This information keeps me on track because if none of the numbers are moving, then I know I need to make adjustments elsewhere (including actually increasing my daily caloric intake because reducing by too much can make your body hold on to fat for survival and it will burn muscle for energy instead of fat).

I won't lie and say that the lack in reduction of my weight didn't sting a little because it does BUT I know that my body is changing for the better.

I can see it.

I can feel it.

I will continue to push myself beyond what I think my body is capable of doing because I AM getting stronger every day.

I do not doubt myself (or the process) because I have overcome this before...and won!

I've got this.

No doubt!!

Droppin' "F" Bombs with a Smile

I was recently in Phoenix for work and during a group meeting we had an ice breaker to get to know one another. The topic of the ice breaker was, “If your life story was a movie genre, what would it be and why?”

Because I was part of the team who picked the ice breaker, I had a little time to prepare my response. I struggled with this because I wasn’t sure if I should be honest or lie to my co-workers. I discussed my anxiety over that with my co-presenters and because they know my story, they actually encouraged me to be open and honest…so I did.

When it was my turn, I said “I feel like my story would make for an epic award-winning, true crime, Dramedy.”

Of course, everyone’s ears perked up at the words “true crime”. I have been with this company for 16 years now and I can count on one hand how many know my story.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

My dad went to prison when I was three. He didn’t get out until I was 12 so I basically grew up visiting him in various prison facilities. To me, this was normal and I didn’t see anything wrong with it.

He lived a “rockstar” life when he got out of prison and didn’t take very good care of himself.

He was an alcoholic. He was a drug addict.

He was an abusive man. I walked in on him beating up my step mom one night.

I called the police.

He went to jail, again. Only for four months but it was long enough for my dad’s side of the family to turn on me. I was told, “you don’t turn your family members in.”

This became my “normal”.

Because of this I found myself attracted to men who had a “bad boy” image which led me into relationships with men who led a true criminal lifestyle. You may remember me discussing how I drove my behind all over the state of Washington in a previous post.

I also came out of a very violent marriage where being held at gunpoint, knifepoint, being choked out, and having things thrown at me was a constant. I accepted this behavior because to me it was normal.

It took me MANY years and one divorce to learn from my mistakes but trust me when I say that I am over it.

My dad passed away when he was 50. His lifestyle had caught up with him.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

In high school, I learned that everything happens for a reason. We may not ever know what the reason is but I do know that God puts us where he wants us.

In my senior year of high school, my best friend and I drove to her boyfriend’s house because he wasn’t answering her calls. When we got there, they started arguing. We weren’t there very long when she stormed out of his bedroom and said we were leaving.

We got into her car and we sped off. She was driving at a very high rate of speed down dark and curvy roads.

He was chasing us.

She refused to stop.

We hit a curve going 85 miles an hour and she lost control of the car.

I don’t remember much after that.

The police told me that we flipped the car end over end four times down an embankment on the opposite side of the road.

She wasn’t wearing a seatbelt.

My best friend died that night. A big part of my heart died with her.

As I previously mentioned, her boyfriend was chasing us. Because I don’t remember anything in the minutes before we wrecked, the police couldn’t determine if he was at fault.

I believe in karma. Fast forward five years later – he gets into a head on collision with a tree. He is now paralyzed.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

I was diagnosed with a kidney disease when I was 30. Approximately 30% of the filters in my kidneys are destroyed (scar tissue has grown over the glomeruli). I am prone to kidney infections, especially when I get a cold or the flu. They are also easily irritated and get inflamed which causes extreme pain.

The doctors say I can live the rest of my life with my kidneys if I can continue to manage their behavior but there may come a day when a transplant is needed.

Because my disease is an autoimmune disorder, I am susceptible to other autoimmune and autonomic disorders. After ten years, this caught up with me in a big way and now I have a heart disease and hypothyroidism (see previous post where I discuss this).

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Yes, that is a lot of drama so why did I refer to my life as a Dramedy movie genre?

Laughter. If my life were a movie, I would make sure there was a lot of humor to lighten the darkness of the drama.

I find that when it comes to dealing with pain, drama, or shady people, laughter gets me through.

I am that annoying person that looks at the positive in everything.

Two years ago, I was sitting in the ER waiting room with excruciating pain in my abdomen and all I could do was giggle.

I think I laughed the most at the fact that it felt like labor pains but I knew it wasn’t because I had a hysterectomy 12 years prior.

Every time the pain hit, I just laughed. I thought for sure the doctor was going to come in and tell me that it was just gas. No joke.

You can imagine the look on my face when the doctor came in and said they needed to take me into emergency surgery because my appendix was about to blow.

So, what does this life story movie business have to do with my weight loss journey?

Nothing. Other than the fact that I let myself slip back into a few old habits and forgot to not take my slip up so seriously.

I am back in the gym and loving every minute of it.

I laugh through the pain of my blistered hands from rowing.

I laugh when my thighs are so stiff it hurts just to get in and out of the car. I have also dropped a few "F" bombs because of this but I say it with a smile - so to me, that's OK!

I laugh because crying gets me no where.

I may not have overcome things as serious as others but the fact that I have come out from some very dark places in my life and I still have a smile on my face says a lot.

Laugh on my friends! Your situation is what you make it.

Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy...

Yesterday was one of those days when I wanted a complete “do-over” at the end of the day. I had a zillion things on my To Do list, and I think I accomplished one. With major deadlines looming, being homesick because my grandma is in the hospital and not doing well, and other family-related issues running amuck in my mind – I was an emotional wreck at the end of the day.

I drove to the gym, changed into my workout clothes, and plunked my behind down on the rowing machine. I was not in the mood to listen to my usual playlist of heavy electric guitar rock anthems, so I put on something a little more mellow.

I think I was about 2.5 minutes in when I felt a tear well up in my eye and roll down my face. I could not believe it. There I was – in the gym – on the verge of an emotional outburst. I was determined to get through my workout in one piece, so I choked back those tears and rowed on.

Fast forward to 15 minutes later when the owner of the gym walked by and asked me what was wrong. He is a busy guy and doesn’t need to hear my whiney girly emotions, so I replied in a soft tone, “I’m just having a bad day.” He noted that I had put in 3,000 meters and suggested I round it up to 4,000 and call it a day.

For a millisecond, that sounded like a superb idea and coming from a man who is also a trainer I thought I could use that as an excuse to go home.

In that same millisecond, my inner motivational speaker said, “Keep going, girl. You got this. I’ve got your back.” My ears perked up and I told him I was going to suck it up and keep going.

And, that is exactly what I did.

I turned off that sad song playlist and cranked up some Metallica. I decided to use that time on the rowing machine to get my thoughts organized, so I could have a good plan of attack for the following day.

As the minutes passed, my thoughts were beginning to clear, and I started to feel better. As I was nearing my usual 12,000-meter completion, I was dripping with sweat, and my blistered hands were throbbing with pain. BUT - I noticed that I had a little more pep in my step and was feeling pretty good – so, I pushed myself to go another 1,000 meters.

When I finished, I felt amazingly happy. I couldn’t help but giggle because the only thing that was going through my head was a quote from the movie, Legally Blonde 2. “Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don’t shoot their husbands. They just don’t.”

I left the gym with a smile on my face and had no homicidal thoughts on my way home.

I could have easily gone home after only rowing 3,000 meters, but I would have spent the evening wallowing in my dramatic thoughts. That would have put me at risk for justifying having a lemon bar or making a ginormous bowl of hot buttered popcorn and plopping myself on the couch to catch up on all my recorded shows. However, I would have done myself absolutely no favors.

Instead, my inner motivational speaker propelled me to the finish line and beyond, and I was able to walk out of the gym a whole lot happier.

Yes, food is the most abused anxiety drug and I 100% agree that exercise is the most underutilized antidepressant. It only took me two years to remember that fact.

I’ve got this.

Hello from the Outside

For the last two years, the wings I grew and learned to spread took me soaring. I embraced everything I learned about who I really am as a person and I had finally defined myself. Then, I became content. This made adjusting to a new city and state, dealing with odd medical anomalies, and my crazy travel schedule much easier to deal with. However – emotionally, I was flying by the seat of my pants with my hair on fire for much of this time.

I read the following quote the other day and it struck a chord in my heart. “Many things aren’t equal but everyone gets the same 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. We make time for what we truly want.” After reading that, I came to the realization that I had put myself in a bubble of my own chaotic craziness and was focused on the wrong side of whatever challenge I was facing. I had been confronting my challenges with a “WTF” mentality and became unhappy because I didn’t feel true happiness anymore.

What is happiness to me?

I do not have to have the best of everything to be happy.

I do not have to be a certain size to be happy.

Money or tangible items will not make me happy.

When I first set out on my weight loss journey in 2011, I assumed that just losing the weight would make me happy and everything would be sunshine and roses. 

As my tale unfolded, I learned that my goal of fitting into a size eight dress was not the source of my happiness.

It was the fact that I had a goal, period.

I learned that what truly makes me happy is knowing I am putting every effort into achieving my goals. Regardless of whatever the goal might be.

Since I have discovered this little epiphany, everything has become crystal clear and it has become motivating. Those nights, after work, when I am mentally exhausted and try to tell myself that I cannot take one more step and life will be happier on the couch at home, I think of that quote and I push myself to go to the gym. Why? Because I know the feeling of happiness I will feel after I’ve put an effort into reaching my goal. You cannot achieve a goal if you don’t put forth the effort, right?

Not going to lie…I have some tricks to get through a workout. I have learned to deal with the gym in five minute increments rather than an hour. Most days, I have to push myself to just make it through the first five minutes on the StairMaster. Once I reach that mark, I start telling myself, “I can go another five minutes.” After that five minutes has passed, I tell myself, “you can make it another five minutes.” Next thing you know, I’ve made it 20 minutes on that darn thing. At that point, my little happiness trigger kicks in and my inner motivational speaker says “Now, move your behind over to that rowing machine and see if you can make it five more minutes.”

It’s been a little more than two weeks since I started back at the gym and I have only missed one day out of the last 17…and that is because I was traveling to California. While there, I managed to work out a deal at my former gym for my last two California trips of the year. I pushed myself harder each day and at the end of the week, I managed to row a total of 47,740 meters (which translates to 29.664 miles) and I climbed nearly 300 flights of stairs. I weighed myself when I got home and I lost 7 pounds this past week!! Whoop Whoop!!

I am not in a rush to get to my goal weight. I know it will take time to lose the 65 pounds I want to lose and I am ok with that. I know I will get back into my favorite leather pants, my favorite dress will fit me like a glove again, and I will gain back the physical strength I had achieved before.

For the time being, I am relishing in the fact that I am now on the outside of that bubble and I will continue to do whatever it takes to make sure I do not put myself back in.

Accountability is Everything

After a two and a half year hiatus, I am resurrecting my blog. I have concluded that by avoiding posting about my progress, I was no longer holding myself accountable to the goals I had set out for myself. Yes, I had successfully hit my weight loss goal but I did not hold myself accountable for maintaining it.

My son walking me down the "aisle".

Much has happened since my last update. I relocated from California to Texas for my job the summer of 2013. My then fiancé (now husband) and I had set our wedding date for the following spring so I was in full-blown planning mode. I purchased my dress a year before the wedding to keep myself motivated and that plan worked well as the only alterations required were to shorten the dress. Despite the rain, it was a beautiful ceremony. We held both ceremony and reception in my parent’s backyard and my ever so handsome son walked me down the aisle.



My setbacks began six months before the wedding with an emergency trip to the ER when my Appendix decided it no longer wanted to be a part of my life and I had to have it removed. Because the number on the scale wasn’t going up, I allowed myself to use my recovery as excuse to be lazy with my exercise but since I was still in “Operation Wedding Dress” mode at that time, my diet was on point.

It wasn’t until after the wedding that I started having a difficult time with my weight. The first 20 pounds was because in addition to no longer working out 4 times a week, I stopped tracking my calories. I was still eating many of the same foods I ate during my losing period but I was adding way to many carbs. That occasional cookie or treat was turning into almost a daily habit.

In January of this year, I knew I had to face the reality of my choices so I cut out the carbs and started exercising again. After a month of working on getting my butt back into shape, I had a major medical setback. I had just finished running and hour on my elliptical and was soaking in the bathtub. I felt like I was overheating so I got out and jumped in the shower to wash my hair. I couldn’t lift my arms and I blacked out. I yelled for my husband after my vision returned and he took my blood pressure. It was 80/40 and my heart rate was near 160. He got me dressed and took me to the ER. After 7 hours, they released me with a referral to a cardiologist and neurologist.

After two months of tests and a visit to an Electrophysiologist, I was diagnosed with Left Ventricular Hypotrophy (LVH) and Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS). What does that mean? LVH is where the wall of your heart muscle thickens and becomes tight. POTS causes your blood pressure to suddenly drop and your heart rate to double or triple upon standing. When I was soaking in a hot bath, my blood pressure was already lowered by the heat of the water and when I stood up to get in the shower it dropped enough to make me black out. The LVH is likely an unwanted side effect from my kidney disease (IgA Nephropathy) because it causes high blood pressure. Technically, the IgA is an autoimmune disorder that affects the kidney. POTS is an autonomic disorder and my Electrophysiologist said that it isn’t uncommon for people with autoimmune disorders to get autonomic disorders. For two months, I could not be upright for longer than 20 minutes at a time because I would get dizzy and blackout. This meant I couldn’t do a whole lot of anything including driving - because dizziness while driving is not a good thing. Luckily, I have an awesome job and I was able to work from home for nearly two months.



Now, because I have a kidney disease, I have to take high blood pressure pill to keep blood flowing to the kidneys. The medication they would normally give someone with POTS is one that keeps your blood pressure up. The two essentially cancel each other out. The only thing left was to put me on sodium hydrotherapy. The FDA recommends that you should take in no more than 2,400 mg  of sodium per day and recent reports suggest they want to lower that to 1,200. My doctor put me on 5,000 mg per day! FIVE THOUSAND. The purpose is to keep my blood volume up so when I stand my blood pressure doesn’t drop as much. I was also put on compression therapy so my blood doesn’t pool in my legs when sitting. I had no idea how I was going to eat that much sodium in a single day. After a week of eating crap and feeling horrible, my doctor said I could take sodium chloride tablets.

After a few weeks of this, I was puffy, bloated, and I felt like I was sucking on a salt lick all day. I was getting depressed. My jeans did not fit, my ring was getting tight, and I could feel the water retention in my legs and feet.

I made an appointment with my doctor after I saw that I had gained 20 pounds. I had assumed that my thyroid had been checked because I had like a million lab tests done when they were trying to figure out what was wrong with me but she assured me that it hadn’t been checked. She ordered a complete thyroid panel and it turns out that in addition to all the other crap I have going on, I was diagnosed with Hypothyroidism…another awesome autoimmune disorder…and I am now on Synthroid, a synthetic thyroid hormone.

 

I have been on this medication for three months now but my metabolism didn’t seem to be improving. My doctor ran another panel to confirm the medication is doing its job so after a hard reality check; I had to chalk up my lack of weight loss on my lack of accountability. I had been using my disorders as a crutch and was not looking for alternative ways to exercise and I used my POTS as an excuse to over indulge in crappy, high-sodium foods.

I need to rid myself of the weight I put on so this past week, I joined a local gym and have been going every day since I joined. Turns out, I actually missed working myself into a sweaty mess and I missed the awesome feeling you get after you get in a really good workout. One of the owners of this gym has been giving me great tips and is committed to helping whip me back into shape. I've been rowing a minimum of 3,600 meters on my beloved rowing machine (seriously, I love to row)and climbing 50 flights of stairs in the Stairmaster (seriously, not loving the Stairmaster but it works). He even made me do those darn battling ropes the other day. Only in 30 second intervals but DANNNG...those are no joke!

Anyway - now that I’ve put all this out there, I’ll be blogging again to keep myself in check. So...from this moment forward, I am holding myself accountable for every action I take and I am not going to let any of my medical issues set me back again. Of course, I have monitor my heart rate and be mindful of how I am feeling while working out but I will have no more excuses. Failure is NOT an option. I will get back into my favorite leather pants one day but if I don’t get back to my goal weight, it won’t be because I didn’t try.