Lights! Camera! Action!

Back in January, I had an epiphany about what my purpose for being created was, which I feel is to inspire and motivate others. Since then, I've been working on a documentary entitled, "If Only She Were Thinner", which I am producing with assistance from my friends at Scope Creative Agency.

My story is based on more than just my weight loss journey. I had no self-esteem because of the lifelong struggle I have had with my weight and I put myself into some very dark situations because I didn't think I could do any better.

If you've followed my blog for any length of time, the film is essentially my blog in motion, but you'll get to meet the characters and feel the impact of what I've gone through.

It is my hope that by sharing my story of perseverance, determination and the fact that I have fallen in love with who I have become as a person I will inspire others to open the door to escape their dark places, move forward, and achieve their goals as well.

The film is still in production as it is a tedious process but I wanted to give y'all a very (very, very) small little snippet of what to expect.


My story will not end when my documentary is complete. I didn't come this far only to come this far. I still have goals to achieve, and there really is no finish line for me. It will be a continuous journey for the rest of my life, and I will always look for ways to push my limits.

Most people don't understand my love affair with the gym. They don't understand that the gym is my place to escape. My place to heal. My place to not only become physically strong but to become mentally strong as well.

My weight loss adventure has been a long road, but there is no way I would be where I am at without the constant support of those who motivate me.

Who push me.

Who believe in me.

Who generate a spark that sets my veins on fire.

When you find those people, you do not let them go.

Embrace their energy.

Ignore the noise of the negative people in your life.

Stop making excuses.

Never give up.

Let's go!

THIS is who I am...Defining Myself, Part 2

Three and a half years ago, my most popular post, "Defining Myself", was published. I was at a very different point in my life when I generated that first list. My eyes were wide open to so many possibilities. After just coming out of a violently abusive and controlled marriage, I reclaimed the parts of me that I allowed to be buried for the sake of others and I never looked back. 

Here it is three and a half years later, and despite the heartbreak I recently endured after my second husband told me he wanted a divorce because I gained weight, I am still holding strong to who I am as a person, I still do not defend anything that helps define who I am, and my eyes are still wide open.

It has only been two months since my divorce has been finalized but I think I am ready to open my eyes a little wider to the possibility of dating...and that scares the heck out of me.

Why?

Because I know that not everyone can handle my heartfelt truths and some may confuse my expressed emotions with being complicated or dramatic.

• I'm not perfect. 
• I over think. 
• I over analyze.
• I live in the moment but I question everything.
• I worry about things I have no control over (I am actually trying to work on this one).
• I'm part German and part Italian, which means I am stubborn and have a hot temper.
• I'm also Canadian (dual Can/Am citizen) so the flip side of the above is I am quick to apologize and I will apologize for things I haven't even done wrong.
• I still have fluffy thighs. I always will...no matter how many squats I do. I refer to them as Pete and Repeat. I apologize for them too.
• Because I am also American, I yell at (and sometimes flip off) idiot drivers on the road, freeway, or parking lots.
• I don't always talk like a lady. Especially after leg day!!
• I do not look cute after a workout and I know my clothes stink but I'll still stop at the grocery store on my way home. I don't care - I've got stuff to do.
• If I know I'm right about something, I will argue with you until I am blue in the face. However - as much as I don't like it, I will admit when I'm wrong.
• I am not high maintenance in the physical sense but I greatly appreciate reassurance in the feelings department.
• I'm loyal, patient, and very forgiving...unless you push me to the point where I no longer care. If I reach that point, all I can say is - when I'm done...I'm done...and you'll definitely know it.

I don't list these things because I think they are wrong or because I want to change them. I list them because they are part of who I am.

Losing weight gave me the confidence to embrace every side of me. Good, bad, and indifferent. After I got sick and gained back some weight, I started to lose sight of everything I had grown to embrace about myself.

Once I got back into the gym and held myself accountable, I felt like I was "home" again.

Some people go their whole lives without embracing their strengths and weaknesses. For me, it took losing 170 pounds and escaping a violent marriage before I embraced mine and I am not afraid to admit where I fall short - which in an odd way is actually a strength because not many people are willing to admit their faults.

I share my feelings and I say what's in my heart without much contemplation. Does that make me complicated? If I look at who I am as a person, I think I'm a fairly simple girl. 

• If I miss you - I'll let you know
• If I want to meet up with you - I'll invite you
• If I feel misunderstood - I'll explain
• If I have a question - I'll ask
• If I don't like something - I'll say it (politely)
• If I like something - I'll proclaim it
• If I want something - I'll ask for it (or get it myself)
• If I love you - I'll tell you

It doesn't get much more simpler than that.

To quote myself from my "Superwoman" post...

"For as long as I can remember, I have been a very strong woman.
I am determined.
I am persistent.
I push though and persevere.
If I want something, I’m not afraid to go after it.
I am not afraid to speak up or offer my opinion.
I don't let anyone stand in my way.
I am the girl who, despite wanting to fall down on the ground kicking and screaming, will look you dead in the eye and with a smile on my face will tell you that everything is good."

Again - these things define who I am. I will always wake up and choose to be happy. Even when I'm having a bad day and tears freely fall from my eyes, I will always manage a smile because I know that the moment will pass and I will keep fighting.

I was scrolling through Facebook last weekend and I came across this awesome story that I absolutely love and adore about Collin Clarke - a bodybuilder who just happens to have Down Syndrome. 

While the story doesn't define who I am, what Collin says at the end of the video defines how I am built.


In Collins words: "Never give up. When a challenge comes to you, you gotta overcome all the odds. Yeah, it might get hard. It might hurt. But you gotta keep fighting. You gotta keep pushing with everything you got."

I am a lover. I am a fighter. I am persistent, determined and loyal. I push the limits of everything I do with everything I've got.

THIS is who I am.

A very good friend recently told me that I am truly an amazingly wonderful woman and any man on earth would be lucky to have me on his side.

I know his words are true. And, whoever I date will appreciate me...just as I am.

I got this...

Excuses & Results Don't Mix

I often get caught up in conversations with people (friends, family, gym members, complete strangers) about dieting, weight loss, and exercise.

Most people have a specific goal they are trying to lose weight for. An upcoming wedding, a beach vacation, or a class reunion. And then there are those of us that got tired of being overweight and wanted to make a life altering change for the better. Regardless of the reason - we all have the incredible ability to make excuses.

All too often, I hear excuse after excuse for why people aren't losing weight or reaching their goals. I am not pointing my fingers at anyone without pointing three back at myself because I am just as guilty for using some of the excuses listed. It would be way to easy for me to tell you to "suck it up, buttercup" and get over it but I'll try and walk you through each excuse below:

• It's SOO hard - Yes, it is. Plain and simple. Anything worth achieving doesn't come easy. Over time, you will notice that things get easier but in reality, you are just getting stronger. What keeps me going on the "hard" days? The smile on my face when I know I can say, "I did it...and I didn't die!"
• I don't have time - I call bull$hit on this one. If you have time to scroll through social media playing games, watch funny cat videos, or watch more than two episodes of anything on Netflix, you have time to workout. For me, it is easiest if I go to the gym right after work. For others, it's before work. I have access to my gym 24 hours a day and I've been there at midnight so "not having time" is not an excuse I can use. MAKE THE TIME. Put it on your calendar. Schedule a meeting with yourself. If you can't go for a full hour at a time, go 30 minutes in the morning and go 30 minutes in the evening. 
• I'm too tired - Trust me...I'm tired too. However - that passes after the first 20 minutes of a workout and I feel 10x better and more mentally energized than when I first walked in.
• I'm too old - I workout with people in their 80's so I'm not buying this one at all.
• I don't want to exercise by myself - I get the whole, "I need a workout buddy" thing because I liked to have someone with me in the beginning too. I have friends that I go to the gym with but when I'm there, I am there for ME. It is my time to work on myself, not socialize. Use the time to clear your mind.
• I'm not seeing any results - Do not use the number on the scale to measure your results. Use your jeans. AND for the love of all things...stop predicting failure. Read my patience, persistence, and accountability post. It takes time people. Four weeks for you to notice, eight for your friends, and twelve for everyone else. 
• I have a headache - Unless it's a Migraine, take an aspirin, ibuprofen, or acetaminophen and suck it up. What I find ironic about this one is I had a headache as I started my workout last night. I managed to climb 243 flights of stairs and row 4,000 meters before it turned into a Migraine, which was when I decided that I needed to go home. However, I still got an hour in WITH a headache.
• I'm in a bad mood - There is no better place to take your frustrations out than in the gym. Beat the crap out of a punching bag. Put anger into your workout and you will be in a MUCH better mood when you are done.
• Eating healthy is expensive - In my best Maury Povich voice, "THAT, is a lie!". I used to use this excuse all the time. Once you have started eating healthy and your body has detoxed from  refined sugars, you won't have cravings for junk food and you won't have to eat as much to feel full. In the end, you are buying less. Yes, you may have to shop more often because you are buying fresher foods that may spoil faster than foods that don't come out of a box but your body is worth the extra trip to the store. Do what I do...hit the grocery store on your way home from a workout. You are more than likely to make healthier choices when you are drenched in your own sweat.
• I have a family to cook for - So either make your family eat healthy too or do what I did and make a separate meal for yourself. I meal prepped for myself every Sunday so I had no excuse for not having my own meals ready to go during the week.
• I don't like to sweat - Sweat is your fat crying as it leaves your body. Wear black when you workout and pretend you are at a funeral for your fat. And if you still look cute at the end of your workout...you didn't work hard enough. I am a hot mess after a workout as I do not sweat pretty but ask me if I care (I don't).
• I feel like people are judging me at the gym - Most people at the gym are working toward their own goals and have likely been in your shoes before. A few days ago, I was talking to a guy at the gym about how the gym is my happy place and it's where I do most of my thinking (and my worst overthinking) and he was surprised by that. When I asked why, he said "I don't think about anything when I workout. I'm just there, doing my thing." (I wish I had that trait.) You'll be surprised how many people there will motivate and encourage you to keep coming back. 
• Gym memberships are expensive - What value would you put on your life? Mine is far greater than the $35 a month I spend on my membership.
• I can't lift weights - So don't. Start off with Cardio. As your body gets stronger, you will be able to lift weights. Biceps don't grow on trees so if you want them, you will eventually have to.
• I can't run - So walk. Or climb stairs. Or row. Or ride the stationary bike. When you are able to run...run like you stole something.
• I can't...- YOU CAN! 

You want it?

Then, go get it!

Because excuses and results don't mix!

Can't Stop, Won't Stop

In early January, one of my best guy friends and I were chatting about my weight loss progress. He texted me afterward and said, "You seem much happier when you are fit. Yet, things get in the way, and you get comfy and resort to things that take you away from happiness. Try and remind yourself that this is a way of life. You always go back to working out and eating right to find happiness. So don't stop. Make it a priority. Always. It's healthier for your brain and body."

I love him for being so honest with me. He has always told me like it is even if the truth hurts my feelings. This time was no different. He didn't hurt my feelings though because he is 100% correct. He has seen me at my best, my worst, and everything in between. He is the one who taught me how to spend time with myself to get to know who I really am as a person.

Essentially, he was responsible for how I defined myself nearly four years ago. Back then, I was spending at least four days a week in the gym, was eating a clean diet, and I was happy.

And then...I fell into a relationship with my soon-to-be-ex and I got "comfy". I stopped going to the gym and I stopped following my diet. I was in "relationship mode" with someone who wasn't on the same health and fitness page I was.

The first mistake I made was thinking I could stray from working out and be OK. The second mistake I made was thinking I could stray from my diet and be OK. Diet and exercise go hand-in-hand.

Granted, I couldn't exercise after I got sick in February 2015 until my doctors cleared me 7 months later, but I could have certainly been eating properly.

Instead, I wasn't holding myself accountable and I allowed myself to use my relationship and my health as an excuse to go rogue and it took me away from my happiness.

Working out has become my number one priority. I have said it time and time again, and I'll continue saying it...the gym is my happy place. It has become a place of solitude for me. I do my best thinking and sometimes my worst overthinking there but I know I can always count on feeling on top of the world when I walk out after a good workout.

Eating according to my goals is priority number two. A good workout does nothing for me if I am fueling my body with crap. For the most part, I eat fairly clean. I allow myself indulgences when I know I am going to burn it off in the gym the same day.

After I received that message from my friend, I realized that in order to maintain my weight loss once I have reached my goal, I had to make sure that I have a plan in place that is sustainable and that includes making sure the people in my life are supportive of my eating habits and fitness goals.

Being healthy is a way of life for me and I will not give that up again.

Can't stop. Won't stop. For anyone!

Patience, Persistence, and Accountability

I returned home from my business trip to California last Friday and I was a hot mess. I cried the entire three-hour plane ride home and I cried all the way home from the airport. I just wanted to get home so I could change my clothes and get to the gym.

The woes of life on the road can be tough when trying to eat healthy. Not gonna lie...The first night I was in California, one of my best girlfriends had a Mardi Gras party and that was centered around a ton of Cajun food (I am also still wondering how I, the Canadian, was put in charge of frying up the Boudin Balls) and a lot of alcohol was served (I only had 4 shots of Patron, 3 shots of Fireball, and three Jell-O shots...I promise I will never drink like that again...ugh).

Over the course of the week, I ate at Red Robin twice (clucks and onion rings), ate at my favorite steakhouse twice (salad, nachos, ribeye, green beans, and one night...skillet apple pie with the most delicious butter bourbon sauce...GASP!, and I ate at my favorite hole in the wall Mexican joint because they have the best carne asada quesadillas on earth. Now, I can't eat much in one sitting but still...it's safe to say, I indulged at least once a day.

I did have my favorite protein shake at least twice a day at snack time, I had oatmeal for breakfast, and I worked out four of the six nights I was there.

As soon as I got home, I changed my clothes, fed my animals, and made my way to the gym (aka, my happy place).

The next morning, after my morning workout, I stepped on the scale to see if I had done any damage to the number while in California. Even after indulging in my favorite restaurants, I was shocked to see I had lost FIVE pounds.

As I mentioned in my previous post, I needed a break from work so I took this week off to focus on myself, my mind, and to make peace in my heart.

The only time I checked my work email or thought about work was to simply delete the junk mail.

OK, I lied. I had to shoot a video Monday morning and I may have replied to a few quick questions from my Inbox BUT I did not read or do anything that required me to put much effort into thinking about work.

I spent my days going to the gym, shopping (groceries for the most part), writing, taking long hot baths, and listening to music versus plopping down on the couch and watching television.

I've been doing two-a-days at the gym all week. Each day, by the end of my second workout, I rowed 26,000 meters (today, I only did 25,000...slacker) and climbed between 300-400 flights of stairs.

These two-a-days have been paying off because I have lost another five pounds since Monday.

That is a total of 10 pounds in two weeks and a grand total of 45 pounds since October.

Every morning, at the same time, I weigh in to check my progress. In case you are wondering, I do not get frustrated with myself (or my scale for that matter) if the number is the same as it was the day before, or even the day before that. I know I am putting in the effort. If it stays the same for more than two weeks, then I look at my diet and workout regimen and adjust accordingly.

Because of my success, I get approached several times a week at the gym by various members telling me how inspiring and motivating I am to them and then they proceed to ask questions. Of which I am both humbled and honored.

Usually, the first question is...How do you do it?

After joking that it is "one bloody step at a time on the darn StairMaster", my response is always, patience, persistence, and accountability.

You HAVE to call bullshit on yourself and hold yourself accountable for what you eat and the persistence you put into your workouts. You can't expect a great loss if you don't put in a great effort.

You also have to be patient. If you are trying to lose the 50 pounds you gained over a year...it will not come off overnight. It takes four weeks for you to see a difference in your own body, eight weeks for your friends, and twelve weeks for everyone else. It takes time people. I know most people are searching for that instant gratification and you want the validation from others. It is going to take at least THREE months before they will notice.

Have patience, hold yourself accountable, and be persistent. That's the key to success.

The second question I usually get asked is...Do you eat? (not, "What do you eat?", but "DO YOU EAT??)

Ummm...helllloooo...I freakin' LOVE food. Yes, I eat. I just follow a strict diet when I am at home. I don't eat out often when I am not traveling because I like to know what I am putting in my body.

Examples of what I eat are:

Breakfast
I always start my morning with a protein shake that has no less than 50 grams of protein (my new favorite protein is ProtiZyme by Metabolic) and for whatever reason I also eat a spoonful of fresh ground, all natural peanut butter. Then I choose one of the following:

• Steel Cut Oatmeal with a little milk, brown sugar, and cinnamon. I usually eat 3/4 cup to 1 cup.
• Two eggs (scrambled) or egg beaters with a little bit of shredded cheese.
• Hard boiled egg.
• 1 cup plain greek yogurt (my favorite is Fage) with a tablespoon of honey or agave.

Lunch

• Shredded chicken with a little shredded cheese (heated until warm and gooey) with a tablespoon of sour cream and a tablespoon or two of Pico de Gallo or a good chucky salsa.
• Grilled chicken breast (spiced) with a spring mix salad (light on the dressing). I love to change up the flavor of my chicken with different spices (Fajita, Spicy Aloha, Greek, Garlic & Peppercorn, etc.).

Dinner

• Spaghetti sauce with ground beef (hold the pasta for the most part)
• Grilled salmon (my FAV) with smoked basmati rice
• Grilled beef and veggie skewers with Chimichurri
• Grilled skirt steak over a bed of spring mix
• Grilled jumbo shrimp

 Note: I love to grill. No oils, great flavor, and it doesn't heat up the house during the summer.

Snacks
I eat snacks twice a day (two hours after breakfast and two hours after lunch) and it's usually always one of the following:

• Protein shake (no less than 50 grams of protein)
• Mini Babybel Light cheese
• Orange
• Apple
• Banana
• Quest Protein Bar (my Fav is Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough)

I eat pretty clean and don't eat a lot of carbs during the day. I try to eat most of them in the morning. Everyone is different, this is just works for me.

NOTE: Complex carbs are the delivery vehicle for protein so don't skip out on them.

Other Notes

I was eating WAY too much fruit and had to cut that down. Natural or not, there is so much sugar in fruit.

I also drink TONS of water. At a minimum you should be drinking half your body weight in ounces, every day (if you are working out or working in the heat, you need to add at least 16 more ounces to that).

My daily protein intake is 1 gram of protein per pound of my target weight.

Do I eat junk food? Occasionally. I LOVE popcorn and I LOVE hot chocolate. I am a sucker for both. If you ever need to apologize to me for anything, bring hot chocolate or popcorn and I'll instantly forgive you.

The third most popular question asked is...how can you row for so long? HA! I row for at least an hour a day. Lately, it's been one hour and five minutes. This week it was that times two since I have been doing two-a-days.

I cannot explain how I can row for so long but I will tell you that it took me a few weeks to build up my endurance. I just put on some good music and get into a zone. The first and last 2,000 meters are always the longest.

Again, I had to have patience with myself and my body to get to where I am at today.

I cannot wait to see where I am at six months from now.

I got this!


P.S. - I have said this before and I'll keep saying it until the end of time but I absolutely LOVE my Anytime Fitness gym. The members are so welcoming and awesome. Each and every day is the same as the first for me. I am magnetically drawn in through the doors and I leave so much happier.

Tonight, I was caught on camera rowing again.

Dawn Wagner (aka "The Row Master") putting a session in with Kanda Sanders. Awesome job ladies - you rock!!!
Posted by Anytime Fitness - Katy, TX on Thursday, February 18, 2016

The Problem with Being Superwoman

Despite having Superwoman powers, I am human and can only take so much pressure.

My inner motivational speaker is trying to tell me to “suck it up bitch” but I have reached the point where even as I type this, I have crocodile tears rolling down my cheeks. And, I am currently in flight…with a stranger sitting beside me who is probably wondering how the heck he ended up sitting next to the crazy lady on the plane. Poor guy.

Lately, I have been extremely overwhelmed with various emotions.

Work.

Home.

Men.

Life in general.

All of the above are weighing heavy on my mind right now.

I have no doubt that I was created to inspire and motivate others and I will continue to figure out what I am supposed to do with my “purpose”.

I have been waiting for a “Captain Obvious” sign but I haven’t seen it yet.

I am not a patient person. I am learning though. I am learning to let things happen as they are supposed to and not force them.

That has been a hard lesson to learn in my weight loss journey. To be patient.

When people start a new diet or plan to get fit, they expect instant results.

We didn’t gain our weight overnight so we cannot expect it to come off overnight.

Patience is the key to weight loss success.

That and holding yourself accountable.

Yes, I can workout 1.5 hours a day. Climb 200 flights of stairs. Row 20,000 meters.

But none of that matters if I go home and down a bag of chips or consume handfuls of chocolate chips.

My inner motivational speaker screamed, “CUT THE SHIT, DAWN”.

When I started back at the gym four months ago, I had to stop lying to myself about my eating habits.

I started holding myself accountable.

Patience and accountability is what has helped me lose 39 pounds over the past four months.

I have to use this same way of thinking about all of the emotions I have been bottling up. I know I didn’t bottle all of them up at once and even though I may be able to pour them all out at the same time, I still have to clean up the mess.

For as long as I can remember, I have been a very strong woman.

I am determined.

I am persistent.

I push though and persevere.

If I want something, I’m not afraid to go after it.

I am not afraid to speak up or offer my opinion.

I don't let anyone stand in my way.

I am the girl who, despite wanting to fall down on the ground kicking and screaming, will look you dead in the eye and with a smile on my face will tell you that everything is good.

Once upon a time, someone called me selfish. I think I am the least selfish person I know.

I am the girl who is there for everyone when no one else is.

I am the girl who will answer the phone at 2:43 in the morning when a friend needs to talk. Or needs a ride. Or just needs someone to listen.

I am the girl who holds people together when they are falling apart.

I am Superwoman.

Cook, bake, fix something, build something, put a bandaid on it, you name it…I’m there for everyone.

The problem I face by being this strong, independent woman is I don’t have anyone who can hold me together when I am the one falling apart.

Not because I don’t have friends or family that care because I have many.

I just don’t like to bother people with my issues.

I would rather push my own problems aside and help others with theirs.

Even though I wear my heart on my sleeve, I don’t want others to see that I have a weak side.

All I know is right now, I feel like I am falling apart.

I am not depressed.

I do not need counseling.

I wake up every day and I choose to be happy. Because, I believe that it IS a choice.

I just need a break.

I need to refocus my energy.

Starting the moment I land, I am officially on vacation. I am taking one of the six weeks of vacation I have stockpiled and I am going to focus on ME.

I will hang up my Superwoman cape for a few days.

I will go to the gym twice a day to burn off excess emotions (and let me tell you…a good workout is one of THE best ways to lift your spirits and kill whatever negative energy you may have flowing through your bloodstream).

I will NOT feel sorry for myself BUT I will allow myself to cry if the tears start to flow.

I will work on my book.

I will focus on my goals.

I will focus on being patient.

I will continue to hold myself accountable.

Life’s kryptonite has temporarily weakened my powers but I have no doubt that after this week is over, I will be back stronger than ever before and my cape will have new colors.

I got this.

I May Bend But I Will Not Break

It amazes me how words can leave such a lasting impression on a person and the emotions they can evoke when we least expect it.

Good or bad.

Today, I was reminded of how one can be haunted by their past with a quick lash of the tongue. I won't reveal what was said or who said it, but the words were strong enough to transport me instantly back in time to the first moment I heard those five little words.

I felt like everything I have accomplished and have overcome in the past few years was nothing.

I felt shamed.

I felt ugly.

I felt like I was standing in that hallway all over again...listening to that boy I liked telling my friend "if only she were thinner." 

I was weakened.

And for a few hours, I couldn't help but feel a little defeated...

...a little devastated...

...a little sorry for myself.

The words were getting louder. "IF ONLY SHE WERE THINNER."

I got in my car and cried, uncontrollably, for several minutes.

The kind of crying where your eyes are swollen and bloodshot and you can't breathe because your nose is full of snot, and then you start to choke on that snot because it's dripping down the back of your throat.

I am not a pretty crier.

I pulled myself together enough to visit an encouraging friend. It was either that or shop. Not gonna lie...shopping almost trumped my friend but since it was Black Friday, I didn't want to face the crowds with all my snottiness.

After listening to what I'm sure sounded like the teacher from the Peanuts, my friend quietly reminded me that I am a strong woman and that all of my emotions will soon be in the past...(and that I should go home, not shop, and not drink).

Other words of wisdom were shared, and those five little words that had been haunting me for the past few hours were quickly replaced with five new ones, "You are a strong woman".

Yes. Yes, I am.

After a quick 15-minute pep talk, I was able to lift my head and wipe my tears away. 

I might have even managed a smile before I left.

On my drive home, those new words were pumping through my veins and my internal iPod started to play Helen Reddy's "I am Woman" in my head (thanks for owning that record when I was little Mom). My favorite verse from that 1975 song is:

You can bend but never break me

'Cause it only serves to make me

More determined to achieve my final goal

And I come back even stronger

Not a novice any longer

'Cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul

I may bend, but I will not break.

I will use those words as fuel to my fire to achieve my goal.

I will be stronger.

I may have allowed myself to be temporarily weakened today, but I will not allow myself to be permanently defeated tomorrow. 

Let us all remember that we are masters of unspoken words but we are slaves to the ones we let slip out! 

Wait...whaaaat??

Let's talk about body fat! I know...good times. However, here me out...

There are two kinds of body fat: Essential and Storage. Essential body fat is necessary to maintain life and reproductive functions while Storage body fat protects internal organs in the chest and abdomen.

Body fat is important for transporting fat-soluble vitamins A, D, E, and K, which are important for our health. Fat is also a great shock absorber and serves as "human insulation" by assisting in the regulation of body temperature.

Although body composition refers to the relative percentage of muscle, fat, bone, and other tissue of body, it is almost exclusively associated with fat percentage. Even though I have a Body Composition Scale that gives me readings for body mass, body water %, body fat %, visceral fat, etc., I agreed (don't ask me how) to undergo Body Analytics through Hydrostatic Testing (where you are weighed underwater) to get a true base line for my body fat and lean body mass percentages.

It was a little intimidating to strip down to a bathing suit and then climb into what looks like a giant stainless steel bathtub while two people stood by and watched. I was even more nervous that I was going blind them with my glowing white legs. Nevertheless, I persevered and I did it...aaannnd I didn't burn the retinas of the man and woman performing the test.

The test didn't take very long and afterward I received a report that included my Resting Metabolic Rate (RMR) in addition to the breakdown of my body fat and lean body mass.

The woman who explained the results to me was very encouraging. She asked me how many calories I was consuming per day and after I told her it was between 1,000 and 1,200, she said that if I want to increase my lean mass and reduce my body fat I need to take in between 800 and 1000 more. I was like, "wait...what?"

How often do you get to hear someone tell you that if you want to lose weight, you need to eat more?

Because I am working out every day, my body needs to fuel itself through food. Muscle is the engine that burns fuel. Fat needs to be burned by muscle. Cardio and resistance training helps burn fat and build muscles to that you can have a bigger engine to burn calories. The bigger the engine, the more calories you need to maintain it.

Even though I have been swapping fat for muscle these past few weeks, she said that will eventually come to an end and when it does, my body will use my muscle for energy instead of fat, which will eventually make my body fat percentage higher, even if the number on the scale is going down.

While the numbers from my Hydrostatic test were a little depressing, they are, in fact, the reality of what I have to deal with on my quest to rebuild my body. I won't share what my body fat percentage is just yet but I will say that I would like to reduce it by half...or rather...I will reduce it by at least half.

My mission now is to adjust my diet and meal schedule to accommodate the extra calories. Quality calories from good food sources.

I'm not worried though.

I've got this.

Accountability is Everything

After a two and a half year hiatus, I am resurrecting my blog. I have concluded that by avoiding posting about my progress, I was no longer holding myself accountable to the goals I had set out for myself. Yes, I had successfully hit my weight loss goal but I did not hold myself accountable for maintaining it.

My son walking me down the "aisle".

Much has happened since my last update. I relocated from California to Texas for my job the summer of 2013. My then fiancé (now husband) and I had set our wedding date for the following spring so I was in full-blown planning mode. I purchased my dress a year before the wedding to keep myself motivated and that plan worked well as the only alterations required were to shorten the dress. Despite the rain, it was a beautiful ceremony. We held both ceremony and reception in my parent’s backyard and my ever so handsome son walked me down the aisle.



My setbacks began six months before the wedding with an emergency trip to the ER when my Appendix decided it no longer wanted to be a part of my life and I had to have it removed. Because the number on the scale wasn’t going up, I allowed myself to use my recovery as excuse to be lazy with my exercise but since I was still in “Operation Wedding Dress” mode at that time, my diet was on point.

It wasn’t until after the wedding that I started having a difficult time with my weight. The first 20 pounds was because in addition to no longer working out 4 times a week, I stopped tracking my calories. I was still eating many of the same foods I ate during my losing period but I was adding way to many carbs. That occasional cookie or treat was turning into almost a daily habit.

In January of this year, I knew I had to face the reality of my choices so I cut out the carbs and started exercising again. After a month of working on getting my butt back into shape, I had a major medical setback. I had just finished running and hour on my elliptical and was soaking in the bathtub. I felt like I was overheating so I got out and jumped in the shower to wash my hair. I couldn’t lift my arms and I blacked out. I yelled for my husband after my vision returned and he took my blood pressure. It was 80/40 and my heart rate was near 160. He got me dressed and took me to the ER. After 7 hours, they released me with a referral to a cardiologist and neurologist.

After two months of tests and a visit to an Electrophysiologist, I was diagnosed with Left Ventricular Hypotrophy (LVH) and Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS). What does that mean? LVH is where the wall of your heart muscle thickens and becomes tight. POTS causes your blood pressure to suddenly drop and your heart rate to double or triple upon standing. When I was soaking in a hot bath, my blood pressure was already lowered by the heat of the water and when I stood up to get in the shower it dropped enough to make me black out. The LVH is likely an unwanted side effect from my kidney disease (IgA Nephropathy) because it causes high blood pressure. Technically, the IgA is an autoimmune disorder that affects the kidney. POTS is an autonomic disorder and my Electrophysiologist said that it isn’t uncommon for people with autoimmune disorders to get autonomic disorders. For two months, I could not be upright for longer than 20 minutes at a time because I would get dizzy and blackout. This meant I couldn’t do a whole lot of anything including driving - because dizziness while driving is not a good thing. Luckily, I have an awesome job and I was able to work from home for nearly two months.



Now, because I have a kidney disease, I have to take high blood pressure pill to keep blood flowing to the kidneys. The medication they would normally give someone with POTS is one that keeps your blood pressure up. The two essentially cancel each other out. The only thing left was to put me on sodium hydrotherapy. The FDA recommends that you should take in no more than 2,400 mg  of sodium per day and recent reports suggest they want to lower that to 1,200. My doctor put me on 5,000 mg per day! FIVE THOUSAND. The purpose is to keep my blood volume up so when I stand my blood pressure doesn’t drop as much. I was also put on compression therapy so my blood doesn’t pool in my legs when sitting. I had no idea how I was going to eat that much sodium in a single day. After a week of eating crap and feeling horrible, my doctor said I could take sodium chloride tablets.

After a few weeks of this, I was puffy, bloated, and I felt like I was sucking on a salt lick all day. I was getting depressed. My jeans did not fit, my ring was getting tight, and I could feel the water retention in my legs and feet.

I made an appointment with my doctor after I saw that I had gained 20 pounds. I had assumed that my thyroid had been checked because I had like a million lab tests done when they were trying to figure out what was wrong with me but she assured me that it hadn’t been checked. She ordered a complete thyroid panel and it turns out that in addition to all the other crap I have going on, I was diagnosed with Hypothyroidism…another awesome autoimmune disorder…and I am now on Synthroid, a synthetic thyroid hormone.

 

I have been on this medication for three months now but my metabolism didn’t seem to be improving. My doctor ran another panel to confirm the medication is doing its job so after a hard reality check; I had to chalk up my lack of weight loss on my lack of accountability. I had been using my disorders as a crutch and was not looking for alternative ways to exercise and I used my POTS as an excuse to over indulge in crappy, high-sodium foods.

I need to rid myself of the weight I put on so this past week, I joined a local gym and have been going every day since I joined. Turns out, I actually missed working myself into a sweaty mess and I missed the awesome feeling you get after you get in a really good workout. One of the owners of this gym has been giving me great tips and is committed to helping whip me back into shape. I've been rowing a minimum of 3,600 meters on my beloved rowing machine (seriously, I love to row)and climbing 50 flights of stairs in the Stairmaster (seriously, not loving the Stairmaster but it works). He even made me do those darn battling ropes the other day. Only in 30 second intervals but DANNNG...those are no joke!

Anyway - now that I’ve put all this out there, I’ll be blogging again to keep myself in check. So...from this moment forward, I am holding myself accountable for every action I take and I am not going to let any of my medical issues set me back again. Of course, I have monitor my heart rate and be mindful of how I am feeling while working out but I will have no more excuses. Failure is NOT an option. I will get back into my favorite leather pants one day but if I don’t get back to my goal weight, it won’t be because I didn’t try.