For Better or Worse...Unless you Gain Weight???

In typical female fashion, I have a delayed rational reaction to many situations. I either quickly overreact or I close myself off. I know…gasp! A woman who admits she can overreact.

I am working hard to find a happy medium but it isn’t easy.

When I am in a confrontational face-to-face conversation I usually struggle to find the words I want to say but when I am alone on an airplane, 33,000 feet in the air, I suddenly become a Webster's Dictionary complete with a Thesaurus (which is the dilemma I am facing right now).

In the situation at hand, I didn't overreact or close myself off.

I completely shut down.

I didn't know how to react.

Here it is a month later and I finally have so much to say that I am finding it difficult to get it all out in a polite and rational way. So bare with me because I am trying to refrain from cursing.

I have a love/hate relationship with the fact that I tend to go the extra mile for people who won’t even cross the street for me. I give too much of myself and I love too blindly.

At times, these traits make me feel stupid because I get taken advantage of far too often.

After everything I have been through in my life I should have a blast-proof concrete wall up preventing others from penetrating but my heart is too big to contain. Becoming a hardened bitch is not my forte. Even after what I am about to tell you.

This past year has been a struggle for me and when I got sick in February my body paid the toll. Apparently because of that, my marriage paid the toll as well.

Without going into too many horrible details, there are two reasons my husband gave me when he told me he wanted a divorce.

The first reason he gave was that he was tired of my attitude over the previous six months. I reminded him that my bitchy attitude was the direct result of discovering the various online profiles he had created for himself advertising his availability on casual sex websites and the fact that he actually had another woman spend the night in our house while I was traveling.

He said he felt that since he had already apologized for those incidents a few months prior that I should have gotten over it. That I needed to let the past go.

When I brought up that my attitude had recently worsened because just a few weeks prior I found 17 f***ing emails on his computer that he sent to women on Craigslist who were looking for sex, he didn’t have much of a response.

I told him that I was beyond mortified that he offered to host these women in our house while I was traveling for work and that it was heartbreaking that he had sent eight of those emails while I was in the emergency room for my heart condition.

His defense was that he didn’t touch any of them and that was all that mattered. I told him that it didn’t matter if he did or didn’t because the only important fact was that his intent (ahem…very strongly worded intent) was there. Multiple times.

The second reason he gave was, and I quote, “You didn’t hold up your end of the bargain in our marriage.” When I questioned what that meant, his response was, “You didn’t maintain the way you looked.”

When I acknowledged that, yes, I had gained nearly 40 pounds over the year because of my illness, he said, “don’t kid yourself honey, it was more than 40 pounds.”

Because I have this heart that is too big to contain, I actually sat there and tried to defend myself.

But, it didn’t matter to him that I had been back at the gym for the previous six weeks working my ass off (and loving every sweaty, breathless moment) to lose the added fluff.

It didn’t matter that at that point I had already lost 20 pounds.

It didn't matter because he said he fell out of love with me and was no longer attracted to me due to the weight gain and pissy attitude.

At that moment, I stood up, looked him dead in the eye and with the most perfect annunciation while my finger was pointed directly at him I said, “FUCK YOU!”, and I walked out of the house. (Yes, his words were the driving force behind my previous post.)

I’m sure you can imagine what a number this ordeal has done in my head. The emotions that had wreaked havoc on my life for more than 20 years had resurfaced after I worked so hard to overcome them. I have gone from feeling stupid, weak, and pitiful to raging beast mode bitch when I think of his words, “you didn’t hold up your end of the bargain because you didn’t maintain the way you looked”.

Who says that to someone they supposedly love?

Sure I could dwell on the what if’s…What if I didn’t travel so much? What if I didn’t get sick? What if I didn’t gain weight?...but I won’t. Why? Because none of that matters.

Our wedding vows didn’t say, “for better or worse…unless you gain weight”. They said, “for better or worse, in sickness and in health.”

I did not choose to be sick and I did not choose to gain weight. My husband chose to make himself available and offered himself to multiple women on multiple occasions.

At the end of each day, I find myself reflecting on the words my friend said to me that night after all of this went down…“You are a strong woman.”

Those words make me feel a sense of peace.

They also validate why it is so easy for me to move on.

If not, it would be too easy to become a hardened bitch.

It would be too easy to continue curling up in the fetal position and crying myself to sleep.

It would be too easy to give up on my goals.

Instead, in my truest form, I will continue to love blindly and unconditionally.

I will continue to go the extra mile for others.

I will hold my head up high with a smile upon my face…even when I am out of breath with sweat dripping down my face while climbing that damn StairMaster at my favorite gym (Anytime Fitness - Katy, TX) where they love and accept me for who I am.

More importantly, I will continue to seek AND achieve my goals.

I have a little more than 30 pounds to go before I reach my first goal weight. I have no doubt that I will not only achieve it - I will demolish it.

I refuse to be sabotaged by anyone, including myself or my soon-to-be ex-husband.

I am not seeking sympathy from anyone.

I am not seeking anyone to justify my thoughts and emotions.

I know I deserve better.

And one day, when I least expect it, that truly better half of myself will magnetically find me…regardless of what my weight is.

I got this.

No Diggity - No Doubt!

I think most people can relate to the frustrations of having a stall when it comes to the scale. Those "stalls" usually lead to people feeling like a failure and they give up.

My diet and exercise regime brought a weight loss of just under 20 pounds in the first three weeks. Woo Hoo!

However, this past week has brought a big fat Z.E.R.O.

Now, my diet has been on point and between my basal metabolic rate (BMR) and daily workouts, I know for a fact that I am burning more calories than I am taking in. It's at this point that most people start scoffing at their scale while yelling (screaming) "What the French...toast?"

Had I not already been in this situation previously, I would have been yelling profanities that would have put any sailor to shame. But, because I have been in this position before, I had to remember everything I had faced in the past and the reasons behind the dreaded "stall".

If my words can help anyone - pay attention because the following information is what gets me through my scale stalls.

First and foremost, a little BMR 101! To lose weight by diet alone, you want to eat less than your BMR (also known as your resting metabolic rate). Your BMR is the amount of energy needed to support the body's most basic functions when at rest in a neutral, or non-stressful, environment (a.k.a. the number of calories you need per day to stay alive). BMR can be responsible for 70% of the calories burned per day (just sitting there...doing nothing).

To calculate your BMR, click HERE.

Once you know the number of calories needed to maintain your weight, you can easily calculate the number of calories you need to eat in order to lose (or gain) weight.

One important tip to remember about BMR is that as you lose weight (increase activity, etc.), your BMR rate changes so it is extremely important to measure it often.

Next - 1 pound of fat equals 3,500 calories. Simply put - if you want to lose 1 pound a week (through diet alone), you need to reduce your caloric intake by 500 calories per day. It's that simple.

However - I am doing more than just dieting. In addition to my caloric reduction, I workout 7 (yes, seven) days a week. I climb between 94-102 flights of stairs and then I row for an hour, averaging 12,000 meters...every day.

Because I row on a resistance rowing machine, and am climbing the stairmaster, I am working the shiznit out of my thigh muscles. Side note (because that's what A.D.D. is for) - Most people think rowing works your arms but in reality, rowing is 70% legs, 20% abdominal, and 10% arms. Even as I type this, my thighs are on fire.

So why isn't the scale moving? This is where body composition gets a little complicated.

Since my body hasn't been trained in two years, it is hyper-responsive to resistance training right now. So much that I am actually building muscle while losing fat at the same time. Pound for pound.

I know this "honeymoon phase" will not last forever so I have to take advantage of this time while I have it. The more muscle I build, the faster my body will burn calories.

FACT: Muscles burn 5.5 times more calories than fat tissues.

Hello! It's a no brainer that we want more muscle than fat.

I have heard time and time again that muscle weighs more than fat. Truth be told...a pound weighs a pound regardless of what it is. Muscle just happens to be more dense than fat so it takes up much less space than "fluffy" fat. (reminds me of..."I'm not fat, I'm fluffy." Who else loves Gabriel Iglesias?)

This is why I can see a difference in how my clothes fit but why my scale isn't "moving". I'm losing fat but because I am gaining muscle, they are basically swapping places keeping my weight the same.

How do I know this? I have a body composition scale that in addition to telling me how much I weigh, it measures my muscle mass, body fat and water percentages, and provides me a daily caloric intake.

This information keeps me on track because if none of the numbers are moving, then I know I need to make adjustments elsewhere (including actually increasing my daily caloric intake because reducing by too much can make your body hold on to fat for survival and it will burn muscle for energy instead of fat).

I won't lie and say that the lack in reduction of my weight didn't sting a little because it does BUT I know that my body is changing for the better.

I can see it.

I can feel it.

I will continue to push myself beyond what I think my body is capable of doing because I AM getting stronger every day.

I do not doubt myself (or the process) because I have overcome this before...and won!

I've got this.

No doubt!!